Addicted to Chaos

Keep my heart warm for my blood is cold

I do what I want, never what I'm told.

Everything revolves around me as it does around you

Don't expect the love to come out of the blue.

You call me stubborn but everytime I get stabbed I am born

I come in many shapes and I can take any form

Life transforms.

If I get worse I'm getting better

You can compare me to the weather

Because you don't know what's ahead

Enough said.

I Understand Nothing

I've seen myself on the other side of the room
Watching my face I would realise soon
The look in my eyes it not what I used to see
The emotion either was not what it used to be


It didn't look like myself at all
Something unpure was hiding between these walls


laying face up
head falling slowly
my body was numb

The Drunkcher

You've been kicked from your last job? Haven't you? I know I have so the next step is to get a new one. 

I've never been skilled at making a first good impression, might be the way I dress or what I say.. I'm not sure.

Let me tell you what happened. I've got this call from someone looking for a teacher at the kindergarten. I said "Hell yeah I can be a teacher! I've done that before. They're all dead now!".

So I had to get ready for the job interview. The first thing I always do is to have a dose of vodka, you know, to make me feel confident. Then, while I carry the bottle with me around the house, damn, I need to find something to wear. I've got a bunch of whore clothes (used to wear them while pole dancing in the kindergarten) so I said to myself  "this should do the trick".

I've got wasted in no time, so as I tried to open the door to meet the person on the other side, I tripped and lost a shoe.

"Aaah! feck it! good thing I have 3 pairs of socks.. "

"Hello! Please, come in!"

"Hold on lady, I think I've got my skirt trapped in this motherfucking door of yours! You better get this fixed! Not a first good impression."

"Please, have a seat!"

"Yeah, getting there!" while pulling myself from the door, with the vodka in one hand and my curriculum in the other hand. "Here!" I said, while throwing the paper on her desk. 

In an attempt to sit while wasted I spilled my vodka on the paper. "Hold on! Let me get that fixed for you!" while licking the vodka off. "Ok, see if you can read it now."

"It says here you've worked with kids before, what can you tell me?"

"Are you fucking retarded? It's easy to work with kids, you just let them do whatever the fuck they want to do, you know and you get paid for this shit. My trick is to get them wasted too, you know, when someone comes to visit, they'll be like "Oh, these kids are so behaved!" well fuck they are, they're fucking drunk! I say to them kids: "Hey! Put your fucking heads back on the table and act like you're playing the motherfucking Silent Game, you're pissed drunk anyway!" 

"I see.. What do you usually teach them?"

"Ah! Bitch you've got som crazy ass questions! Here! Have a drink, maybe you'll start asking som real questions! What do I teach them? I teach them to drink properly before each activity! You know, it gets you going! Like "Hey kids, let's crop som motherfucking butterflies and stick them to your motherfucking faces and then let's play Shot Drinkers!" Yeah, they fucking love it, you should see them puke on each other and cry at the same time while peeing themselves and asking for another shot!"

"Interesting approach.. How will you prepare them for Mothers Day?"

"Hold on! I gotta take a piss!" I started peeing in the flowerpot next to her desk and said "You see, you have to know what to teach them in order to have your own benefits from it.. I say to them "Hey you snotty bitches! Listen up! We've gotta learn a crappy ass poem for your filthy mothers so I can impress them and get som money out of it! You better do as I say or I'll flush you all down the drain just like I did with that stupid pet hamster of yours! HEY! DON'T CRY! He was no good anyway, eating and crapping all day just like you! So you get my point!". " Yeah.. from there is pretty easy to get them doing what I want them to do."

"We will consider on taking you in, you'll receive a call from us in the next few days. It was a pleasure!"

"Yeah bitch! Whatever you say! Hey! You think you can lend me 5$? I've got this dude waiting for me at the street corner with som MJ" "Oh and if the police dashes in, I wasn't here? K?"

And this is me walking outside the office, all wasted, with my panties half down (for I was not able to lift them after peeing) and with a shoe missing. It's a good thing I still have a bit of vodka left. Cheers! 

Know Your Sleep

Walking from room to room,
I met my grandfather pretty soon
he was about to go to sleep
and I was about to have another leap
then I said, like it all made sense
"This is a dream, I can't leave in ignorance"
I went by the bed to where he sat
I had a question and I asked him that
I said "How does it feel to be dead?"
He looked at me with no surprise
I saw his hands, they start to rise
He grabbed my head with gentle love
And gave a kiss on head above
Everything was falling out of place
So did the image of his face
I felt like drifting to an end
I had to let go of his hand.

Running now from room to room,
I was thinking it'll end pretty soon
I was fighting in my sleep
Yet I was heading way too deep
But as I ran outside the house,
I chased a deer that had no cause
I reached a fence I tried to jump
And it all proved to be a lump
So as I bounced to look inside
It all made sense now in my mind

To see myself  from the outside
I saw the things I had to fight.

Soon, I really woke up.

No Substitute

We were floating down the road
Riding a bus that was a boat
He got tired, he could not take anymore
He fell asleep as we got closer to shore
Water started covering him up
I grabbed his hand but he was numb
He then stood up and he let go
He said : "look forward!", "you'll be fine before you know".
From cold to warm my blood has turned
All I can say is Lesson Learned.

Am facut ceva... Am gandit.

     

    A trecut fix o saptamana de cand m-am ras pe cap si lucrurile revin spre "normal". Reactiile sunt din ce in ce mai estompate. Sau probabil m-am obisnuit cu ele, probabil asta se si vede, ca sunt obisnuita si inevitabil ce transmit asta si atrag.
    In mod ironic, ma asteptam sa fiu marginalizata pentru "nebunia" mea, dar in schimb, sunt complimentata, chiar laudata. What an attention whore! Multi cunoscuti, mi-au spus ca sunt curajoasa. Acum realizez in ce obisnuinta plictisitoare (pleonasm necesar) au stat timp indelungat, unde pana si cel mai banal lucru (asta consider ca am facut) devine un act de curaj.
    Nu stiu in ce masura am sa ma pot simti in largul meu intr-o lume atat de incuiata mental, nici nu ma straduiesc sa o fac, am propriile refugii.
Initial blogul era facut pentru a evidentia the in box thinking, dar asta e mult prea previzibil, chiar si pentru mine si am sa ma opresc.
    Dar cum se spune, orice sfarsit e un nou inceput.
Am sa incep cu poezii, pe care le fac in cap, apoi le scriu aici. Just in case. Intr-un fel de a-mi aminti ca inca simt, inca ma pot exprima sincer si inca vreau sa schimb ceva.
    Majoritatea vor fi in engleza, imi e mai usor sa ma manifest si in acelasi timp le reduce din impact. Oricum, orice roman va citi, mintea lui simultan va si traduce si atunci lucrurile vor fi mai clare.

Lumea de Afara

     

    E chiar fascinant sa provoci tot felul de reactii, doar iesind pe strada. Bald. Si mai fascinant e sa stii cum sa raspunzi la ele. Tinand cont ca e prima data cand fac asta, m-am gandit sa si scriu slash povestesc ce se intampla atunci cand nu mai ai par pe cap, in cazul in care ti se pune pata intr-o zi si vrei sa te razi.
   
    Din ce am observat, sunt mai multe categorii de reactii dintre care :
1. Reactii tacute : treci pe langa persoana/persoanele respective, incep sa faca ochii mari si sa te urmareasca cu privirea pana iesi din aria lor vizuala.
2. Reactii interjectiale : Vai! WTF!
3. Reactii idioate : AHAHAH! Nu ai par! (no shit, sherlock!) sau glume esuate din care reiese clar evidentul (bald) sau mai rau, intrebari irelevante si stupide "Te-ai tuns la zero?" :|
4. Reactii cimpanzeu : se aplica in cazul grupurilor, in care e de ajuns unul sa spuna ceva ca apoi sa inceapa concurenta in strigaturi, injurii, uneori la propria lor adresa (sunt cele mai amuzante) : "frate, manca-ti-as.. (depinde ce are in pantaloni) ta/tale!"
5. Reactii indiferente : fie te observa si apoi isi pierd interesul, fie sunt prea preocupati sa tasteze pe telefon/sa vorbeasca la telefon sau fie merg cu privirea in pamant.

    Bineinteles, raspunsul la astfel de reactii se poate interpreta a fi : ignora. Eu insa fac altceva, de exemplu pentru reactiile tacute, nu pot decat sa ii imit si sa le zambesc, iar pentru celelalte.. imi e greu sa ma abtin sa nu rad, e mult prea ridicol si previzibil incat izbucnesc instant.
 

How I ran out of Hair on my Head

     

    It's really funny what happened.. I do not think I could have ever done it. It started simple enough, I changed my hair color quite often, nothing unusual in this, everyone is doing it, to the point when I decided that I wanted to rediscover my natural color. Ha! And I started with a short haircut, to the shoulders, I did not see the change. I said ok, try again, I cut out of it (not me personally, qualified people - sometimes they suck at this) and I'm thinking it's becoming worse, I did not see the damn change.
     One morning, as I sat in my bed half asleep and half off the bed, suddenly the idea hit me. I will mow myself alone. I stood committed, I took a pair of scissors, a hair trimmer and I locked the bathroom door. Initially I thought I set the machine to no. 2, maybe even 1, would be enough to adjust my hair evenly and be happy with it, But nooo! What I had in mind vs. what was in the mirror, not even close. What were Jews in the Holocaust, but that was I. I said fuck this! and took the razor, I managed to shave only a quarter of the hair, because in the next second brother knocks on the door. Nature calls! What to do faster? I did not know what to do, my work was not done! He had no idea what was I doing in there. I quickly took a towel, put it around my head (simulating a hot bath in the morning - not.) and went out as if nothing had happened, of course not before cleaning the evidences.
    Not to say I was expecting guests. My best friend, whom I have not seen her since last summer, thought to come from Suceava, just today .. TODAY. to pay me a visit. In no way I was going to take my towel down, so when I asked her in, I said I have not finished the bath because of my brother. Good one. But she's blonde and it have seemed logical what I said.
    It was a small proof of callousness to let her wait, but something had to be done. So I let her chat with my mother while I ran back into the bathroom, desperate to finish as soon as possible. I am surprised that I have not killed myself while using the razor with such speed. I shaved all the hair off my head, put a towel  back around it and went to show them the surprise. They thought that they would see my recent haircut, similar to the woman working in the foundry. But shock! As I gave the towel down, nobody talked. Nobody not even breathe. And then my mother replied laughing: "What the hell have you done?" and from there began a series of jokes, some good, some not so good. The jokes were made at my expense of course. Now I'm a convict / "Jew" / lightbulb and one that I heard recently. Bendeaca.

P.S. : If you find any mistakes in the text above.. it's maybe because I ain't english. :D

Cum am ramas fara Par pe Cap

     

     E chiar amuzant ce s-a intamplat.. Nu ma gandeam ca am s-o fac vreodata. A inceput destul de simplu, mi-am schimbat culoarea parului destul de des, nimic neobisnuit in asta, everyone is doing it, pana la punctul cand am decis ca vreau sa imi redescopar culoarea naturala. Ha! Si am inceput, cu o tunsoara mai scurta, pana la baza umerilor, tot nu vedeam schimbarea. Am zis ok, mai incerc inca o data, am mai taiat din el (nu eu personal, oameni calificati - sometimes they suck at this) si aveam impresia ca e din ce in ce mai rau, tot nu vedeam schimbarea.

     Intr-o dimineata, cum stateam pe jumatate adormita in pat si jumatate pe jos din pat, dintr-o data m-a izbit ideea. Sa ma tund singura. M-am ridicat hotarata, am luat o foarfeca, masina de tuns si m-am incuiat in baie. Initial am gandit sa setez aparatul cu nr. 2, poate chiar 1, ar fi destul incat sa-mi ajustez parul uniform si sa fiu multumita, but nooo! Ce aveam in minte cu ce era in oglinda, nici macar aproape. Ce erau evreii in timpul Holocaustului, dar ce eram eu. Am zis fuck this! si am luat lama de ras, am reusit sa rad doar un sfert din par, pentru ca in secunda urmatoare bate fratele la usa. Nature calls! Ce sa fac mai repede? Nu stiam ce sa fac, nu era treaba terminata! Nici nu avea habar ce tot fac eu acolo. Am luat repede un prosop, l-am pus in jurul capului (simularea unei bai fierbinti de dimineata - not.) si am iesit ca si cand nimic nu s-a intamplat, bineinteles nu inainte sa curat dovezile.

    Ca sa nu mai spun ca asteptam si musafiri. Cea mai buna prietena a mea, pe care nu am mai vazut-o de vara trecuta, s-a gandit sa vina din Suceava, tocmai azi.. AZI. sa-mi faca o vizita. In niciun caz nu aveam de gand sa-mi dau prosopul jos, asa ca atunci cand am primit-o i-am zis ca nu mi-am terminat baia, din cauza fratelui meu. Good one. Dar e blonda si i s-a parut logic ce am zis. 

    A fost o mica dovada de nesimtire sa o las sa astepte, dar ceva trebuia facut. Asa ca am lasat-o sa converseze cu a mea mama, in timp ce eu am fugit inapoi in baie, disperata sa termin cat mai curand ce am inceput. Ma mir ca nu m-am sinucis cat de repede foloseam lama. Mi-am ras tot parul de pe cap, am pus prosopul inapoi in jurul capului si am iesit sa le arat surpriza. Ele se gandeau ca or sa vada tunsoarea mea recenta, aia de femeie muncitoare in turnatorie. Dar soc! Cum am dat prosopul jos, nimeni nu a mai vorbit.      Nimeni nici macar nu a mai respirat. Si apoi replica mamei razand : "Ce dreaq ti-ai facut?" si de aici au inceput o serie de glume, unele mai bune, unele mai putin bune. Glume facute intre ele pe seama mea evident. Acum sunt convict/"evrea"/beculet si una pe care am auzit-o recent. Bendeaca.