The ZOOdiac

 

I’ve been meaning to write this for a long time. You know, so far, I’ve met so many people, I can almost see a pattern. And guess what? It’s related to their zodiac sign. Although this comes as no surprise to some, there’s something different about it. Each sign has a positive and a negative trait, because that’s how things complement one another in this world and you can’t argue with that. Anyway, if my writing seems a bit cliché, it’s mainly because I’ve been making reviews for so long, I’ve damaged my brain. Moving on, here’s how I see the signs, you can take it personal if you want, but you might as well just have a laugh and enjoy it!

 

1. Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Any sign can be a pain in the ass, but this one is a fucker! First of all, they seem friendly and they want what’s best for you, instead they are a bunch of twisted psychos. Maybe it’s because people forget their birthdays, maybe they are too much of an attention whores, or maybe they never settle with little. Here’s a fact, they will step over dead bodies to reach their goal. And I’ve only met this type of people. You either lick their ass to be friends or you stay away from them! KA-BOOM!

 

2. Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

Aquarians, yes, two types. Stupid and slightly stupid. Of course, they are smart, but they tend to be stupid more. Such as act stupid, speak stupid, and even take a shit stupid. Asking, is that the right hole for the shit to come out? Most of them figure out how it works, most don’t. They might think they know what’s right, 99% of the time, they know it, but there is always a 1% change when they fail miserably. They might think people like them, instead, they scare the shit out of people, everyone feels unconformable around them and just like any other “normal” human that runs away from the truth, they’ll run away from you as well. Because they’d be stupid to let anyone mock them! They’re flawless. AHAHAHA!

 

3. Cancer (Jun 21 - July 22)

Cancer. Do you know the disease? It’s the same thing. At first, you don’t know you have it, and then they’re all over your shit, taking control and destroying everything you have. On a positive note, some cancer signs have a cure, and that cure consists of self-awareness, self-education, self-care and of course, selflessness. Yes, it refers to stop being a selfish ass, stop selling that stinking fish! No one is going to buy it, and you’ll be fed to the cats! I haven’t encountered many cancers, but if you have something to say... SAY IT!

 

 

4. Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)

Taurus might seem attractive at first, you’ll tend to believe they are funny and charming, and wow! Such great personalities! NOT. They are communists. They will sell you for nothing. They don’t give a shit about your opinion. Because their main goal is to add a stepping stone aka you, to their ladder. They'll make mistakes and keep you accountable for them. You might think they are compassionate, and listen to you, and care about you, but instead, they just zoomed out a bit. Because that's how far the pride goes and above all, it inflates their ego to believe they actually have a role. The positive side refers to not giving a shit about anyone's feelings. They are dead inside and they bore the shit out of me. BRAIN DEAD!

 

5. Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)

Why did the fish blush? Because it saw the ocean’s bottom. That’s exactly how they are. They might tell you how courageous they are and ready for battle, but when faced with a situation, guess who’s going to run crying? I am kidding of course. There are situations where they’ll just pee their pants. But that’s it. Once you’ll grab them by their tails, because they are fish, they’ll start to struggle to get out. The same thing applies to humans as well, are you willing to fight for your life, or you’ll settle in a fry pan? I’ve seen both types and that is that. Some get to meet more fish in the sea and some gets sent over the sea. CAPTURED AND DEAD.

 

6. Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)

The Sarcasm Masters, or how to get punched for nothing. Yes, Virgos are funny, they make you laugh, they get you pregnant and then they disappear. To work of course. Soft pussy faggots at first glance, they are quite smart and like to mind their own business and unless someone decides to take over them, they won’t do shit. Just give them the illusion of control and some Chinese food and they’re all yours. Yes, you’ve figured, that’s how I got my husband. Now I have to keep him under control because he turned into an untamed beast with guns instead of arms, ready to smash any keyboard. The downside of this sign is the non-stop chatting. THEY WON’T SHUT THE FUCK UP! And sports. They like sports. Cockroach racing to be more precisely. And sheep counting. STOP! GET SOME HELP!

 

7. Scorpio (Oct 22 - Nov 21)

Scorpios have good comebacks to anything you’ll say to them. They can really piss you off sometimes, because they think they are in control of everything. Another trait of this sign is their low profile, they would rather observe than be observed. With soft appearances and nothing out of ordinary with them, as soon as you get to REALLY know them, you’ll be amazed of what they are capable of. I’ve met just a few, they are chill and DARK HUMOUR is their middle name. I guess you can trust them.

 

8. Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)

Leos are natural performers who love being at the center of attention and acting funny helps them to do just that. They are heavy breathers and usually have heart issues, also to get your attention. They comply with being comfortable and taking the road most travelled, because it’s easier for them to just get carried around. With a self-perception that has nothing to do with reality, they tend to get mocked and that pisses them off a lot. They often play childish games that no longer fit the adult life, only to drag themselves more in the mockery zone. The positive traits are the short-term-demo-limited edition compassionate moments, when they seem to actually be in your shoes, but don’t get caught up. They’re just projecting. They are out of body and OUT OF MIND!

 

9. Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)

Aries are known for their goofy, light-hearted sense of humor and are no strangers to using physicality to make sure their joke lands. Funny walks, funny faces and pratfalls coming very easily to them. Just don’t take it too far and hurt yourself! We all know exactly what hides behind this small circus of yours, we appreciate the effort but just stop forcing it upon us like it’s a real thing! You’re going to keep on laughing until you’ll suddenly start crying because of how miserable you feel. Just face it, YOU NEED HELP! And just ask for it. It’s not like the other signs don’t need help, you just have an annoying way of asking for it. CHANGE IT!

 

10. Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)

Geminis are douchebags. All of them. In a good but bad way. They are smart, witty smart, they know exactly what they’re doing, or do they? THEY DON’T. They don’t know shit. Most of them get enlightened with a flash-light, because they only know bits and pieces while they miss the ENTIRE point. They are loners, even in a relationship, they get caught in their own thoughts. The only way to get them out is to show some skin. They also lose interest fast, so the right person for them is someone careless, annoying and with hidden purposes. Geminis will believe anything you’ll tell them, as long as you do as they please, but beware guys! There are some harsh repercussions that go hand in hand with your desires. Here’s a quote that is perfect for you: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, BECAUSE YOU JUST MIGHT GET IT! And most of the times, you do get it, and it will be the end of you. 

 

11. Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 21)

Weirdly friendly Libra is the social lame butterfly of the entire zodiac, so it means that they are unstable and will probably die because of an overdose or from another bad habit they have. They are mentally unstable and tend to think that they know best. You might also encounter them in weird jobs such as bending paper clips and rubbing the mint. Seriously, they lack a direction in life and when it comes to choosing a good mate… They fucking fail! So, they are basically compromising their own lives with poor LIFE choices and that is the fun part! WAKE UP!

 

12. Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

These archers know their shit. LITERALLY. Besides making fun with them about others, you never get bored with these guys. Every single one of them I’ve met, no regrets. They have a good heart and a good understanding of human’s nature, almost. The downside is that they get too caught up in their own passions and sometimes they forget to live fully. Or that’s just my opinion. They work hard for what they love and they always reach the top. Some of the people I know are very popular and influence others as well to take their path. That’s how I became a barber and I am thankful for this. You can learn some precious lessons from them so when you’ll meet one… PAY ATTENTION! They also can’t read English. And that’s sad. 

 

Oh! You think there’s too much negativity? This is just a sample. I wrote this out of curiosity to see if anyone enjoys this and by the way, this is funny negativity. Stop hating!

 END

Top 10 Undesired Customers Every Barber Avoids

Clearly, if by any chance you work in the barber's branch you've certainly met some of the people below listed or if you find yourself as being the customer, you can now see where you're at and what to do about it. Here is a list to balance everything and make the two get along better. Enjoy!

10. The Skeptic

This is the most frequent type of customer, he is being skeptic with the barber although they know each other already. This one will ask questions about every single thing the barber is about to initiate on him, from "what shampoo will you use?" to "have you washed you hands today?" to "what do you do with all the hair after cutting it?". It's easy to go crazy on someone like this!

9. The "Hold On"

Indeed hold on! This customer is worse than the previous, mainly because he comes to the barber with problems unsolved. He keeps on getting calls and messages that require urgent response! So, as expected, the barber gets interrupted several times, the other clients get delayed and everyone becomes irritated. Don't do it!

8. The O.C.D.

As you may know, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is a common, chronic and long-lasting disorder in which a person has uncontrollable obsessions or behaviors that he feels the urge to repeat over and over again. Such as: sitting and standing several times before finally sitting, or turning left-right, right-left, left-left-right-left-right-right, you get the point, a fussy client. Meditate before visiting the barber, it will help!

7. The Fancy Pansy

Honestly, some customers show up in the barbershop looking like they just came out of one. The hidden reasons for this is either seeking someone to talk to or just to kill the time before doing something else. Either way, barbers find this quite annoying and disrespectful. Come back when you really need a cut!

6. I've changed my mind

As the barber is halfway done, the client decides that the time has come to... you guessed it! Change the mind. "You know what? I think I looked better with the bangs. Why did you cut them for?". Obviously, to glue the bangs back is not a solution, but before switching 180 degrees on your barber, have a clear picture in you head of what you want!

5. The Scavenger

Oh yes! "Have you got anything else to eat/drink?" just right after the customer already got served. He demands more snacks, more drinks and maybe change the TV program as well? The barbershop is definitely not a restaurant nor a cinema. Tell them apart!

4.  The Patient

The price of a session with a specialized psychologist is on average around 30 euro. A good barber can charge the same amount, the only difference is that the second one is dealing with hair only! Again, tell them apart!

3. The Disillusioned

Before getting into action, every barber has a conversation regarding the future appearance of the customer. At the end of the conversation, they both agree on the final look and get on with it. What we have here is called the disillusioned, a person that will demand a cuckoo's nest on a cat's head. They don't go hand in hand!

2. The Casanova

No matter the gender of the barber, a Casanova customer will find a way to make everyone become uncomfortable. "Is that a new necklace?", "Let me feel your trousers, I can't figure out the material!" or the worst, hand grabbing to check out a tattoo or a piece of jewelry. That is a big NO!

1. The Untrustworthy

The last and final customer every barber ultimately avoids is the infidel. We can all agree that you may switch from barber to barber to find what suits you best, but there is another thing when although exists a regular barber, the client decides to ruin the work of another just to try something else that always has a negative outcome. And guess who will fix this? Yes. The regular barber.

As a conclusion to this list, from a qualified barber with a bit of experience, follow your heart when it comes to choosing your barber, let your instinct dictate and make it all be worth it.

                                                                    END

Addicted to Chaos

Keep my heart warm for my blood is cold

I do what I want, never what I'm told.

Everything revolves around me as it does around you

Don't expect the love to come out of the blue.

You call me stubborn but everytime I get stabbed I am born

I come in many shapes and I can take any form

Life transforms.

If I get worse I'm getting better

You can compare me to the weather

Because you don't know what's ahead

Enough said.

I Understand Nothing

I've seen myself on the other side of the room
Watching my face I would realise soon
The look in my eyes it not what I used to see
The emotion either was not what it used to be


It didn't look like myself at all
Something unpure was hiding between these walls


laying face up
head falling slowly
my body was numb

The Drunkcher

You've been kicked from your last job? Haven't you? I know I have so the next step is to get a new one. 

I've never been skilled at making a first good impression, might be the way I dress or what I say.. I'm not sure.

Let me tell you what happened. I've got this call from someone looking for a teacher at the kindergarten. I said "Hell yeah I can be a teacher! I've done that before. They're all dead now!".

So I had to get ready for the job interview. The first thing I always do is to have a dose of vodka, you know, to make me feel confident. Then, while I carry the bottle with me around the house, damn, I need to find something to wear. I've got a bunch of whore clothes (used to wear them while pole dancing in the kindergarten) so I said to myself  "this should do the trick".

I've got wasted in no time, so as I tried to open the door to meet the person on the other side, I tripped and lost a shoe.

"Aaah! feck it! good thing I have 3 pairs of socks.. "

"Hello! Please, come in!"

"Hold on lady, I think I've got my skirt trapped in this motherfucking door of yours! You better get this fixed! Not a first good impression."

"Please, have a seat!"

"Yeah, getting there!" while pulling myself from the door, with the vodka in one hand and my curriculum in the other hand. "Here!" I said, while throwing the paper on her desk. 

In an attempt to sit while wasted I spilled my vodka on the paper. "Hold on! Let me get that fixed for you!" while licking the vodka off. "Ok, see if you can read it now."

"It says here you've worked with kids before, what can you tell me?"

"Are you fucking retarded? It's easy to work with kids, you just let them do whatever the fuck they want to do, you know and you get paid for this shit. My trick is to get them wasted too, you know, when someone comes to visit, they'll be like "Oh, these kids are so behaved!" well fuck they are, they're fucking drunk! I say to them kids: "Hey! Put your fucking heads back on the table and act like you're playing the motherfucking Silent Game, you're pissed drunk anyway!" 

"I see.. What do you usually teach them?"

"Ah! Bitch you've got som crazy ass questions! Here! Have a drink, maybe you'll start asking som real questions! What do I teach them? I teach them to drink properly before each activity! You know, it gets you going! Like "Hey kids, let's crop som motherfucking butterflies and stick them to your motherfucking faces and then let's play Shot Drinkers!" Yeah, they fucking love it, you should see them puke on each other and cry at the same time while peeing themselves and asking for another shot!"

"Interesting approach.. How will you prepare them for Mothers Day?"

"Hold on! I gotta take a piss!" I started peeing in the flowerpot next to her desk and said "You see, you have to know what to teach them in order to have your own benefits from it.. I say to them "Hey you snotty bitches! Listen up! We've gotta learn a crappy ass poem for your filthy mothers so I can impress them and get som money out of it! You better do as I say or I'll flush you all down the drain just like I did with that stupid pet hamster of yours! HEY! DON'T CRY! He was no good anyway, eating and crapping all day just like you! So you get my point!". " Yeah.. from there is pretty easy to get them doing what I want them to do."

"We will consider on taking you in, you'll receive a call from us in the next few days. It was a pleasure!"

"Yeah bitch! Whatever you say! Hey! You think you can lend me 5$? I've got this dude waiting for me at the street corner with som MJ" "Oh and if the police dashes in, I wasn't here? K?"

And this is me walking outside the office, all wasted, with my panties half down (for I was not able to lift them after peeing) and with a shoe missing. It's a good thing I still have a bit of vodka left. Cheers! 

Know Your Sleep

Walking from room to room,
I met my grandfather pretty soon
he was about to go to sleep
and I was about to have another leap
then I said, like it all made sense
"This is a dream, I can't leave in ignorance"
I went by the bed to where he sat
I had a question and I asked him that
I said "How does it feel to be dead?"
He looked at me with no surprise
I saw his hands, they start to rise
He grabbed my head with gentle love
And gave a kiss on head above
Everything was falling out of place
So did the image of his face
I felt like drifting to an end
I had to let go of his hand.

Running now from room to room,
I was thinking it'll end pretty soon
I was fighting in my sleep
Yet I was heading way too deep
But as I ran outside the house,
I chased a deer that had no cause
I reached a fence I tried to jump
And it all proved to be a lump
So as I bounced to look inside
It all made sense now in my mind

To see myself  from the outside
I saw the things I had to fight.

Soon, I really woke up.

No Substitute

We were floating down the road
Riding a bus that was a boat
He got tired, he could not take anymore
He fell asleep as we got closer to shore
Water started covering him up
I grabbed his hand but he was numb
He then stood up and he let go
He said : "look forward!", "you'll be fine before you know".
From cold to warm my blood has turned
All I can say is Lesson Learned.

Am facut ceva... Am gandit.

     

    A trecut fix o saptamana de cand m-am ras pe cap si lucrurile revin spre "normal". Reactiile sunt din ce in ce mai estompate. Sau probabil m-am obisnuit cu ele, probabil asta se si vede, ca sunt obisnuita si inevitabil ce transmit asta si atrag.
    In mod ironic, ma asteptam sa fiu marginalizata pentru "nebunia" mea, dar in schimb, sunt complimentata, chiar laudata. What an attention whore! Multi cunoscuti, mi-au spus ca sunt curajoasa. Acum realizez in ce obisnuinta plictisitoare (pleonasm necesar) au stat timp indelungat, unde pana si cel mai banal lucru (asta consider ca am facut) devine un act de curaj.
    Nu stiu in ce masura am sa ma pot simti in largul meu intr-o lume atat de incuiata mental, nici nu ma straduiesc sa o fac, am propriile refugii.
Initial blogul era facut pentru a evidentia the in box thinking, dar asta e mult prea previzibil, chiar si pentru mine si am sa ma opresc.
    Dar cum se spune, orice sfarsit e un nou inceput.
Am sa incep cu poezii, pe care le fac in cap, apoi le scriu aici. Just in case. Intr-un fel de a-mi aminti ca inca simt, inca ma pot exprima sincer si inca vreau sa schimb ceva.
    Majoritatea vor fi in engleza, imi e mai usor sa ma manifest si in acelasi timp le reduce din impact. Oricum, orice roman va citi, mintea lui simultan va si traduce si atunci lucrurile vor fi mai clare.

Lumea de Afara

     

    E chiar fascinant sa provoci tot felul de reactii, doar iesind pe strada. Bald. Si mai fascinant e sa stii cum sa raspunzi la ele. Tinand cont ca e prima data cand fac asta, m-am gandit sa si scriu slash povestesc ce se intampla atunci cand nu mai ai par pe cap, in cazul in care ti se pune pata intr-o zi si vrei sa te razi.
   
    Din ce am observat, sunt mai multe categorii de reactii dintre care :
1. Reactii tacute : treci pe langa persoana/persoanele respective, incep sa faca ochii mari si sa te urmareasca cu privirea pana iesi din aria lor vizuala.
2. Reactii interjectiale : Vai! WTF!
3. Reactii idioate : AHAHAH! Nu ai par! (no shit, sherlock!) sau glume esuate din care reiese clar evidentul (bald) sau mai rau, intrebari irelevante si stupide "Te-ai tuns la zero?" :|
4. Reactii cimpanzeu : se aplica in cazul grupurilor, in care e de ajuns unul sa spuna ceva ca apoi sa inceapa concurenta in strigaturi, injurii, uneori la propria lor adresa (sunt cele mai amuzante) : "frate, manca-ti-as.. (depinde ce are in pantaloni) ta/tale!"
5. Reactii indiferente : fie te observa si apoi isi pierd interesul, fie sunt prea preocupati sa tasteze pe telefon/sa vorbeasca la telefon sau fie merg cu privirea in pamant.

    Bineinteles, raspunsul la astfel de reactii se poate interpreta a fi : ignora. Eu insa fac altceva, de exemplu pentru reactiile tacute, nu pot decat sa ii imit si sa le zambesc, iar pentru celelalte.. imi e greu sa ma abtin sa nu rad, e mult prea ridicol si previzibil incat izbucnesc instant.