You've been kicked from your last job?
Haven't you? I know I have so the next step is to get a new one.
I've never been skilled at making a first
good impression, might be the way I dress or what I say.. I'm not sure.
Let me tell you what happened. I've got
this call from someone looking for a teacher at the kindergarten. I said
"Hell yeah I can be a teacher! I've done that before. They're all dead
now!".
So I had to get ready for the job interview. The first thing I always do is to have a dose of vodka, you
know, to make me feel confident. Then, while I carry the bottle with me around
the house, damn, I need to find something to wear. I've got a bunch of whore
clothes (used to wear them while pole dancing in the kindergarten) so I said to
myself "this should do the trick".
I've got wasted in no time, so as I
tried to open the door to meet the person on the other side, I tripped and lost
a shoe.
"Aaah! feck it! good thing I have 3
pairs of socks.. "
"Hello! Please, come in!"
"Hold on lady, I think I've got my
skirt trapped in this motherfucking door of yours! You better get this
fixed! Not a first good impression."
"Please, have a seat!"
"Yeah, getting there!" while
pulling myself from the door, with the vodka in one hand and my curriculum in
the other hand. "Here!" I said, while throwing the paper on her
desk.
In an attempt to sit while wasted I
spilled my vodka on the paper. "Hold on! Let me get that fixed for
you!" while licking the vodka off. "Ok, see if you can read it now."
"It says here you've worked with kids
before, what can you tell me?"
"Are you fucking retarded? It's easy to work
with kids, you just let them do whatever the fuck they want to do, you know and you
get paid for this shit. My trick is to get them wasted too, you know, when
someone comes to visit, they'll be like "Oh, these kids are so
behaved!" well fuck they are, they're fucking drunk! I say to them kids: "Hey! Put your fucking heads back on the table and act like you're playing the motherfucking Silent Game, you're pissed drunk anyway!"
"I see.. What do you usually teach
them?"
"Ah! Bitch you've got som crazy ass
questions! Here! Have a drink, maybe you'll start asking som real questions!
What do I teach them? I teach them to drink properly before each activity! You
know, it gets you going! Like "Hey kids, let's crop som motherfucking
butterflies and stick them to your motherfucking faces and then let's play Shot
Drinkers!" Yeah, they fucking love it, you should see them puke on each
other and cry at the same time while peeing themselves and asking for another shot!"
"Interesting approach.. How will you
prepare them for Mothers Day?"
"Hold on! I gotta take a piss!"
I started peeing in the flowerpot next to her desk and said "You see, you
have to know what to teach them in order to have your own benefits from it.. I say
to them "Hey you snotty bitches! Listen up! We've gotta learn a crappy ass
poem for your filthy mothers so I can impress them and get som money out of it!
You better do as I say or I'll flush you all down the drain just like I did
with that stupid pet hamster of yours! HEY! DON'T CRY! He was no good anyway,
eating and crapping all day just like you! So you get my point!". " Yeah.. from there is pretty easy to get them doing what I want them to
do."
"We will consider on taking you in,
you'll receive a call from us in the next few days. It was a pleasure!"
"Yeah bitch! Whatever you say! Hey!
You think you can lend me 5$? I've got this dude waiting for me at the street
corner with som MJ" "Oh and if the police dashes in, I wasn't here?
K?"
And this is me walking outside the office,
all wasted, with my panties half down (for I was not able to lift them after
peeing) and with a shoe missing. It's a good thing I still have a bit of vodka
left. Cheers!
