The Drunkcher

You've been kicked from your last job? Haven't you? I know I have so the next step is to get a new one. 

I've never been skilled at making a first good impression, might be the way I dress or what I say.. I'm not sure.

Let me tell you what happened. I've got this call from someone looking for a teacher at the kindergarten. I said "Hell yeah I can be a teacher! I've done that before. They're all dead now!".

So I had to get ready for the job interview. The first thing I always do is to have a dose of vodka, you know, to make me feel confident. Then, while I carry the bottle with me around the house, damn, I need to find something to wear. I've got a bunch of whore clothes (used to wear them while pole dancing in the kindergarten) so I said to myself  "this should do the trick".

I've got wasted in no time, so as I tried to open the door to meet the person on the other side, I tripped and lost a shoe.

"Aaah! feck it! good thing I have 3 pairs of socks.. "

"Hello! Please, come in!"

"Hold on lady, I think I've got my skirt trapped in this motherfucking door of yours! You better get this fixed! Not a first good impression."

"Please, have a seat!"

"Yeah, getting there!" while pulling myself from the door, with the vodka in one hand and my curriculum in the other hand. "Here!" I said, while throwing the paper on her desk. 

In an attempt to sit while wasted I spilled my vodka on the paper. "Hold on! Let me get that fixed for you!" while licking the vodka off. "Ok, see if you can read it now."

"It says here you've worked with kids before, what can you tell me?"

"Are you fucking retarded? It's easy to work with kids, you just let them do whatever the fuck they want to do, you know and you get paid for this shit. My trick is to get them wasted too, you know, when someone comes to visit, they'll be like "Oh, these kids are so behaved!" well fuck they are, they're fucking drunk! I say to them kids: "Hey! Put your fucking heads back on the table and act like you're playing the motherfucking Silent Game, you're pissed drunk anyway!" 

"I see.. What do you usually teach them?"

"Ah! Bitch you've got som crazy ass questions! Here! Have a drink, maybe you'll start asking som real questions! What do I teach them? I teach them to drink properly before each activity! You know, it gets you going! Like "Hey kids, let's crop som motherfucking butterflies and stick them to your motherfucking faces and then let's play Shot Drinkers!" Yeah, they fucking love it, you should see them puke on each other and cry at the same time while peeing themselves and asking for another shot!"

"Interesting approach.. How will you prepare them for Mothers Day?"

"Hold on! I gotta take a piss!" I started peeing in the flowerpot next to her desk and said "You see, you have to know what to teach them in order to have your own benefits from it.. I say to them "Hey you snotty bitches! Listen up! We've gotta learn a crappy ass poem for your filthy mothers so I can impress them and get som money out of it! You better do as I say or I'll flush you all down the drain just like I did with that stupid pet hamster of yours! HEY! DON'T CRY! He was no good anyway, eating and crapping all day just like you! So you get my point!". " Yeah.. from there is pretty easy to get them doing what I want them to do."

"We will consider on taking you in, you'll receive a call from us in the next few days. It was a pleasure!"

"Yeah bitch! Whatever you say! Hey! You think you can lend me 5$? I've got this dude waiting for me at the street corner with som MJ" "Oh and if the police dashes in, I wasn't here? K?"

And this is me walking outside the office, all wasted, with my panties half down (for I was not able to lift them after peeing) and with a shoe missing. It's a good thing I still have a bit of vodka left. Cheers!